Sex after having a baby, or adopting a baby, is different. The differences can be mental, physical, or both. It’s possible to have great sex after having a baby though — there are just a few things to bear in mind to get you there!
The first thing to point out is that sex after having a baby will be different for everyone. But as strenuous as the first period after having a baby can be — both mentally and physically — many women end up having better sex after having a baby. It might take a while to get there, but it is possible to have a happy and healthy sex life after kids. In fact, it’s possible to have an absolutely extraordinary sex life after having kids!
Finding Your Feet
For many women having a baby feels like a tornado. Whether you give birth, or adopt, a baby completely changes your life. If you gave birth yourself, it also changes your body. And in the midst of nappy changes, feeding and sleep deprivation, you need to figure out sex again. It can, indeed, feel like the world is turning and you don’t know how to keep your balance.
Personally, I started raising children that weren’t my own several years ago. That led to many changes in my life. Not least the feeling of going from thinking about how I looked, to hoping I’d have enough time to have a shower. I was drained and looked like hell. I was a single mom, so it was different from being in a relationship, but let’s just say it took a while to figure out how to find my feet.
Becoming a mom isn’t just a physical thing — it’s a mental thing. And what some don’t bear in mind is that not everyone having a baby are in a relationship. Being single and becoming a mom means, not only do you need to figure out how to raise a child on your own, you also have to figure out how to date when raising a child. It’ll work out, but you might need some time to adjust. Give yourself that time
Most doctors will tell you that if you gave birth, six weeks later you’re fine to have sex. That’s not to say that you are emotionally ready though. This is why it’s so important to set time aside. You need rest so as to be able to feel just about anything but fatigue and irritation. You need time to exercise to regain your strength. You need time to cook healthy foods. You may need time to talk to someone, like a postpartum doula or therapist about the changes going on in your life.
This leads us to my next point: time.
Time
What some seem to forget when speaking about post-postpartum sex is time. Not just time to have sex when the baby falls asleep when you’re both at home and available. No, time to feel good. Time to rest so you have enough energy for sex. Time to exercise so you feel good. Time to look after yourself so you feel sexy. Time to spend alone time with your partner, or date, so that you build an emotional bond away from nappy changes and feeding routines.
If you can, get a nanny who comes a couple of times a week, so you get a break. A break to rest, exercise, cook, clean and go on dates. If possible, make sure to schedule time for all of this, but definitively you need date nights. Date nights where you’ve had time to rest beforehand so you’re actually capable of being present and feeling sexy.
The Sex Appeal of Parenthood
If you have a partner, you get a chance to see them care for another life, as well as them seeing you do the same. It can be incredibly sexy. There’s also the empowering feeling of having made a life together, or simply raising a life together. It’s different.
Then there’s the fact that you haven’t had a proper sex life for a while. There has been time for a build-up. It can feel really amazing to be having sex again.
Another turn on can be the fact that because there is so little time, when you do find the time to have sex, it’s like a victory. There’s something sexy about sneaking some sex in there when the little one(s) are asleep. There’s time for build-up between the times you have sex too, as you can’t just have it any hour of the day.
Body Image
For some having a baby means they overcome any negative thoughts they may have had about their body prior to pregnancy. Previously their body was just their body; now it’s the body that gave life to the miracle that’s their child. Many women feel proud about this and who wouldn’t?!
On the flip side of the coin, some women miss their pre-pregnancy body. Maybe there’s more skin on the belly now. The breasts have changed shape. That’s OK. You’ve made a human. Wear your scars with pride.
Some opt for plastic surgery if they have a huge amount of loose skin after pregnancy, or similar. That’s OK too. It’s your body. The point is that: it’s your body. You shouldn’t have to feel ashamed of it, nor should you have to feel ashamed if you want to change something.
As for extra body weight: it’s natural. It will take time to wear off. Lots of breastfeeding (if you do that) and long walks will help you get rid of it, if that’s what you want. It will take time though. In the meantime, enjoy your curves. Really sit yourself down and meditate on the sexiness of curves if that’s what it takes. Because one of the biggest ingredients for good sex, is feeling sexy.
C-Section v.s. Natural Birth
It seems natural to assume that having sex after having a C-section would be easier than after giving birth naturally. However, experts say this isn’t the case. In fact, having a C-section counts as major surgery and you’ll likely take longer to heal than if you have a regular birth. The vagina was built for giving birth, literally, and even with major tears, it tends to heal very quickly.
The normal time most recommend to wait to have sex after having a baby, is six weeks. For some, things down below take longer to heal, for others it’s a bit quicker. That’s not to say that sex after six weeks is entirely without discomfort. That’s why it can be a good idea to start with other forms of sex, such as oral sex.
Remember the Lube
When you breastfeed, your body actually goes into something resembling menopause. That doesn’t mean you can’t get pregnant, you’re just less likely to get pregnant. Point being? You will want to buy some lube. Your vagina will be much drier than it normally is. At least in the majority of cases. Thankfully, that’s something you can rectify really easily with lube.
If you are using other forms of contraception than condoms, then you can simply use coconut oil or another natural oil instead of lube. Oil and latex don’t go together, and the condom can break from the oil, so don’t try that.
Kegels
For the vagina to bounce back, quite literally, after having a baby, Kegels are great. The muscles will help restore the muscles in the vaginal walls.
Many women worry that after pregnancy their vaginas won’t be as tight as they used to. That might be true, but with the help of Kegels they can be HEALTHY. What’s more, many women report that sex after giving birth is better. Maybe those who had problems because they were too tight in the past, finally feel like they can relax and enjoy it as it isn’t painful anymore. The baby made it a little bit more spacious down there.
If you don’t feel like your vagina is getting tighter, if you still feel pain when having sex, or if you have problems peeing your pants when laughing, or coughing, etc. after some time, then it might be time to see a pelvic-floor physical therapist. In fact, you can see one even if you don’t have any of these problems — they can give you a healing and exercise program to follow after birth.
Inspiration for Sexiness
Finding peace in your postpartum body can take a while. Even if you’ve adopted, finding sexy amidst baby puke and nappies can take a while. And it will definitively take some effort to set time aside when you for sure won’t be covered by baby puke.
When looking for inspiration for how to feel sexy, look at nude paintings and drawings by the French from ca. 1890 and onwards — you’ll find beautiful portrayals of real women. Real women who feel sexy being real. Looking at too many Hollywood airbrushed photos will do little for anyone’s self-confidence. Finding your own sensuality by looking at images of real women who embrace their bodies and show them off…that’s an entirely different cup of tea. Be comfortable. Be proud of your amazing feminine body.
Also, pamper yourself. Have a lovely bath, or shower, and then rub in some natural creams that make you feel great. Take care of your body. Feel your body. This comes back to setting time aside.
Lastly, get some clothes that flatter the body you have now. If you’re still losing kgs and feel self-conscious about it, no matter how much your partner loves curves, get sexy lingerie that covers up the places you don’t want exposed. Eventually you have to come to terms with your body, but while it’s still healing, you might not like to stare at the red scar from your C-section, etc. so wear a negligé, or something else that allows you to feel sexy. And be kind to your body in your thoughts. It’s going through a lot. Celebrate it. Enhance its beauty. And be sure not to hide forever.
Have Fun
Motherhood tends to come with a boost of confidence once you get over the tiredness and manic-ness of it all. You have to look after a little life now. You have to take charge. So why not take charge of your love life too?
If you ever wanted to learn burlesque, take a class in striptease, do something naughty…why not do it now? Your boost of confidence will help you through anything you might have perceived as a bit scary before.
You might want to wait with sexual acrobatics until your body is healed and you’ve slept enough to know what side of the planet you’re on, but bear it in mind as you move forward. Sex for parents does not have to be boring. Absolutely not.
This amazing article was made by: Maria Montgomery a Writer. Director. Social Entrepreneur. Change maker. Foodie. Creative nutcase. Potentially funny. Check out her creativity.
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