BDSM is defined as a variety of sexual practices that integrate bondage, discipline, dominance, submission and sadomasochism. When engaging in BDSM with a partner, one party is typically the sub or submissive while the other is the dom or dominant.
The dominant partner will be the one who tells their partner what to do and takes charge of the actions that are being performed. The submissive must bend to their partners will giving in to their demands.
In certain relationships the personalities of the two partners can determine which would make a better sub and a better dom. In other situations, this may not be as clear, and the partners may trade off roles to make things adventurous.
If you choose to be the submissive in a relationship or session, here are some tips on how to be a good submissive.
Get Some Knowledge
Before agreeing to be a submissive, research to get a firm grasp on what might be expected of you in this role. In short, you can expect to experience pain, humiliation, degradation and more.
However, the release of control you feel should be desirable. Otherwise you may want to rethink your choice to become a submissive.
To really understand your role of being submissive in a BDSM session, start by reading plenty of literature. There are several books and online resources that can help educate you on how to be in a submissive relationship.
You also may be interested in attending a munch. This is a casual social gathering held for individuals looking to find out more about the dominant/submissive lifestyle. During a munch, you can learn from experts, ask questions and get more information about how to be a submissive and BDSM in general.
Are You the Submissive Type?
Submissives have to put up with a lot, and if they are not turned on or truly enjoying their experience, they can suffer physically and mentally.
Those with a submissive personality will have a desire to please a more dominant person and may even get turned on by the idea of being humiliated or overpowered. Some submissives are naturally the types who want to cater to others, but some are very powerful people who enjoy the feeling of giving up control.
No matter what reasoning you use, your desire to be a submissive has got to be genuine. In order for both parties to enjoy submission relationships, they have to be sure that both of them are doing what they want to be doing.
A willing submissive will make the experience more enjoyable for you both. Even if a submissive is not experienced, if she truly wants to be playing the part, she will be putting a level of care into what she is doing that will turn on her dom. She will also be turned on sexually.
Before agreeing to being a submissive to a dom, ask yourself if you truly enjoy the idea of being dominated. A submissive should never be forced into a dominant/submissive relationship and all actions performed in the relationship should be consensual.
How Submissive Do You Want to Be?
There are different levels of BDSM play and submissiveness. Some couples may just bring a bit of spanking and role playing into the bedroom while others are hardcore investing in bondage gear, whips and chains and attending BDSM events that are going on locally.
When considering BDSM players that are more hardcore, these can be further broken down into part timers and full timers.
Those who engage in part time BDSM may transform to play the role when attending events or when having sex with a partner.
A full time BDSM will make BDSM a part of everything they do. They may have a slave at home to cater to their every whim and may treat their partner as their submissive 24/7. Of course, in these cases, the submissive will be considered a full time BDSM player as well.
If you are new to the world of BDSM, it’s a good idea to start off slow and see how much you want to incorporate bondage and submission into your lifestyle.
Know Your Limits
If you are starting off on the road to being a BDSM submissive, it’s very important to know your limits. There are activities that may occur during BDSM sex that may make you feel uncomfortable. You may feel that your pain threshold is being tested or you may not be in a mental state to put up with high levels of humiliation.
It is important to not only know your limits but to communicate them to your partner. Everything that is done in a BDSM relationship must be consensual and agreed on by both partners.
Be sure to set limits and boundaries and make sure your partner respects these boundaries. Stand firm on what you will and will not do and use safety words if you start to feel uncomfortable.
To further ensure that your limits will be respected, it isn’t unusual for a sub and dom to draw up a contract. A BDSM contract should include the following:
- Safe words: Words you say to make your partner stop what they are doing immediately.
- Rules: Doms usually set certain rules that a sub should follow. If the sub does not follow the rules, a punishment may be necessary.
- Hard Limits: Hard limits are what a sub absolutely does not want to do
- Soft Limits: This is what the sub may be interested in but is hesitant in exploring
- Punishments: This dictates the kind of punishments that are acceptable and which kinds of punishments are appropriate for which actions
Punishments
The punishments a dom administers should not be random. They must be thought out carefully and they must have a reason.
Doms should make it clear to their sub why they are being punished. Reasons can include not obeying orders, not cleaning their room, and the list goes on.
Subs should be prepared to take their punishments and learn from them…unless they choose to be naughty in order to get punished!
Dom’s punishments should also fit the crime. For instance, if a sub waits 15 minutes before responding to her dom’s text, a hard paddling may be out of order. On the other hand, a punishment that is too soft will be disappointing for both parties.
However, punishment is necessary to the sub dom relationship and may be required daily or at least once a week. This will keep a sub in line and minimize the risk of having her disobey her dom or not try as hard to please him.
Timing is crucial when it comes to punishments. Sometimes waiting a bit can be a good thing as this will build up the anticipation for the sub and dom making them more excited for the time when punishment will be administered.
However, if the dom waits too long, the punishment may lose its impact, or it may be forgotten about all together. As a general rule, it is best to punish subs by the end of the day.
Subs should take punishments by being very apologetic and promising never to engage in such actions again.
Put Safety First
Inflicting pain is often part of BDSM play, but you don’t want anyone to get seriously injured.
Before bringing any toys into the bedroom, become familiar with how to use them so you don’t do any permanent damage. Safety words can also help to stop a dom from injuring a submissive during rough play.
Separate Fantasy from Reality
Your BDSM relationships and your real life relationships should be kept separate. If you are playing the submissive role in the bedroom, that doesn’t mean your partner should be dominating you in real life, unless you are both consensual of a full time life style.
If your dom begins trying to exert control over you or disrespecting you on a daily basis, it may be best to end the relationship.
Have Patience
It may take a while for you to become comfortable with your submissive role but try to have a little bit of patience while you work out the.. ahem… kinks. Once this process is achieved, you can look forward to having a more enjoyable BDSM sex life.
What to Expect as a BDSM Sub
Now that you have determined how to get in the right mental headspace to be a submissive BDSM, you should take some time to think about what will actually be expected of you when engaging in BDSM play. Here are some things you can look forward to.
Submissive Bondage: Bondage is the act of restraining or tying up a partner usually with the goal of exerting control over the person being restrained. During BDSM sex, a submissive will often be restrained. This can be uncomfortable for some people, but a sub will find an enjoyment in this pain.
Punishment: Subs must be prepared to obey their doms. If they don’t, they are likely to get punished. Punishment comes in several forms but here are some of the most popular:
- Spanking: Done with the hand, this provides personal contact and allows the dom to administer the appropriate amount of force.
- Paddling: Administered like spanking, paddling can involve a paddle, hairbrush or another similar object.
- Whipping: Belts or actual whips can be used. Whipping can do serious damage, so it is best to start off lightly.
- Biting: When a sub displeases a dom, he or she may be bitten.
- Delayed Orgasm: This involves the dom having complete control over when the sub orgasms. Delaying pleasure can be exquisite torture.
- Brazilian Wax: This painful spa experience can be incorporated into BDSM play and is most effective if the sub is not enjoying it.
Degradation and Humiliation: It is a common practice of BDSM submission to put a sub in their place. This can be done by insulting the sub, embarrassing them or making them engage in actions that they find humiliating. These actions are not physically painful, but they can do emotional damage to a sub that isn’t truly up for it.
Being Prepared
A good sub will be prepared for her submission BDSM sessions. This means she will be groomed according to her dom’s specifications. Her clothing will be typical of BDSM play as well.
The clothing you wear as a sub can vary and your dom might dictate what he or she wants you to wear. However, some good sub clothing includes harnesses with cutouts that will allow your sub access in all the right places.
Many pieces of sub bondage gear have collars that a leash can be attached to.
More than the clothing, the equipment you use will also be important. Your dom may want to bring the equipment or he or she may want you to show up prepared. Be sure to know what type of equipment is preferred and what will work best in your sessions.
When considering the props you bring, safety is a consideration.
If you are doing anal, make sure to use a lube that will make this a pleasurable act. If you are going to do rope bondage, bring a rope and scissors to be sure your bondage is safe. If you’re doing anything that involves penetration of the skin, be sure you have some sort of antibiotics on hand.
And being prepared can be about more than just fulfilling your dom’s whims. It can be about making the experience more pleasurable for you both.
Being tied up can lead to muscle soreness but this can be minimized if you do a quick stretching session before engaging in activities.
If you are nervous before a session, a bit of meditation can do wonders.
Know Your Dom’s Turn Ons
Different doms have different turn ons. Some will enjoy disciplining you as if you are a bratty kid. Others will want you to worship them without question.
The type of bondage you use and the activities you engage in will also be according to your dom’s preferences.
A truly good submissive will know her dom’s turn ons and be prepared to give them what they want.
Going that Extra Mile
There are several behaviors a submissive can engage in to please her dom. Of course, obeying rules and engaging in requested acts go without saying, but here are some other things a sub can do to make a dom happy.
- Wear a Collar: A collar will let a dom know he owns his sub fully and completely. Full time subs can wear a discreet collar 24/7 to let their doms know they care.
- Take Pride in Their Bodies: Hardcore subs know that their body doesn’t only belong to them but to their dom as well. Therefore, they will do all they can to care for it getting the proper amount of sleep and exercise, eating a healthy diet, dressing nicely and having good hygiene and grooming.
Be Patient When Things Go Wrong
BDSM sex can be difficult for both the dom and the sub. It may take time before you are able to work everything out so that things run smoothly.
It is important for both of you to be patient when things go wrong.
Aftercare
Aftercare occurs after a bondage session and it is put in place to help both of you return to reality. It may include cuddling, kissing, sleeping together or having a chat which may involve uncertain feelings both of you may have experienced during your session.
It is important for both the sub and dom to be present during aftercare and be sensitive to each other’s concerns and feelings. If anything was unclear or felt like it was not consensual, aftercare is a good time to discuss this.
Get Feedback
After any BDSM session, it is a good idea for both parties to give feedback about what they did or didn’t like about the session. That way, you will be able to adjust accordingly to make for a BDSM relationship you will enjoy more as it grows.
Please Your Dom Between Sessions
Becoming a submissive involves finding little ways to please your dom.
After having a session with your dom, your dom will appreciate it if you do things to keep them inspired. One good suggestion is to send them pictures with any impressive bruises you may have gotten at your last session.
Dirty notes, cards and emails can do the trick as well.
What You Can Do to Encourage Your Dom
BDSM can be challenging for both the dom and submissive. It can take a while for both parties to start feeling confident in their roles and it may be that their roles don’t come that naturally to them.
As a sub, you can start by taking a bit more of a dominant role, telling him what you want and being nurturing and encouraging when he pleases you. You can also tell him that it would turn you on if he dominated you or you can just get on your knees in front of your man and ask him if he would like a blowjob.
These actions will help him feel more confident taking the lead.
If you are learning to be submissive, it can be quite an undertaking. You must communicate with your partner to learn what he wants and how to please him. However, if being submissive comes naturally to you, the process will be enjoyable and not too difficult to master. We wish you luck finding the enjoyment and pleasure you seek.
