Many of us have an idea of what BDSM is, but how many of us have really explored it with our partner? Probably more than you think. In fact, if you have ever engaged in sexual activities that involved any type of blindfolding, spanking or restraint, congratulations, you can consider yourself included in this number.
But admittedly, there is a difference between people who occasionally spank their partners and those that can be considered lifestylers. The article will further explore the question, what is BDSM, and provide information on everything you want to know if you are considering integrating BDSM play into your love life.
What Is BDSM?
BDSM stands for Bondage, Domination/Submission, Sadism and Masochism. It can include all categories of bedroom play that involves the infliction of pain, restraint, humiliation and deprivation.
Those that integrate BDSM into their lives are considered lifestylers. Lifestylers may attend dungeon parties and orgies in their free time and integrate BDSM with sex on a regular basis. Some that are hardcore may live a complete BDSM lifestyle taking on the role of slave and master both in and out of the bedroom.
BDSM and Consent
When couples engage in BDSM sex, things can get out of hand. After all, pain is a big part of BDSM and no one wants to get seriously injured.
Other types of BDSM can involve humiliation that can be equally hurtful.
Before engaging in BDSM activities, it is a good idea to talk to your partner to figure out what they are and are not willing to do. Sometimes, the two people who are engaging in BDSM will even draw up a contract. Terms of the contract will vary but here is some of what may be included:
- Safe Words: These are words the sub or dom will say to stop the action immediately if they feel it is going too far.
- Rules: The rules of the contract set the tone for what can and can’t be done.
- Punishments: The punishment should always fit the crime and never be too mild or excessive. A contract will suggest what types of punishments are appropriate for what type of actions.
- Soft Limits: This will establish what either party may be interested in doing but are hesitant about exploring.
- Hard Limits: This establishes what either party absolutely refuses to do.
Once a contract is drawn up, violating it can ruin the relationship or even result in a legal battle. But more than that, BDSM will be most enjoyable if both parties are engaging in consensual activities.
Types of BDSM:
There are many types of sexual acts in the BDSM world. Here are some most BDSM lovers will want to try.
Bondage
Bondage refers to any act in which one party is restrained. Here are some common forms of bondage:
- Shibari: One of the oldest types of bondage around today, Shibari is the Japanese art of tying rope in beautiful, intricate patterns. This type of rope tying is often used to restrain subs.
- Sensory Deprivation: The most common types of sensory deprivation used in bondage includes gags and blindfolds. However, some take it to the next level using face masks that limit senses in the entire facial area.
- Predicament Bondage: This type of bondage is done to put subs in a very uncomfortable position.
- Torture Bondage: Torture bondage leaves people tied up for a very long time in an effort to produce feelings of pain. Suspension bondage is a popular type of torture bondage.
- Restrictive Bondage: This type of bondage is used to restrict movement. Handcuffs are the simplest form of restrictive bondage.
- Chastity Bondage: Some people find it sexy to control their partner’s ability to have sex. Just like the chastity belt of ancient times, chastity bondage is used to block access to the genitals to limit sexual activity.
Bondage may seem like it’s not dangerous but it can restrict circulation, cut through skin and cause general discomfort. It is best to start with light bondage using looser ties and silk materials until you determine how much your partner can take. Then, go from there to figure out pleasure and pain thresholds.
Dominants and Submissives
Often times in sex BDSM, one partner will be the sub, or submissive, and the other will be the dom, or dominant. The dom will be the more controlling one telling the sub what to do, tying them up and making them bend to their will in general.
Subs are often the one who is less assertive in the relationship but sometimes very powerful people will choose to be the submissive in a BDSM relationship. This is because they like the feeling of giving up control.
During BDSM sex, it is very important for the sub to be a willing sub and not to feel they are being forced into doing anything they don’t want to do. This will make the experience more pleasurable for both parties.
A sub in a BDSM relationship will do everything they can to please their dom. In a lifestyle relationship, this may carry on beyond the bedroom. A sub may will take care of their body in order to please their dom. They will eat a healthy diet, sleep well and groom properly as they know their body belongs, not only to them, but to their sub as well.
A sub will also be familiar with what their dom likes and be prepared to give it to them, both in the bedroom and outside or it, without being told.
Subs may also do things that go above and beyond. They may wear a collar 24/7 to let a dom know that they own them. They may send their doms love notes and pictures of bruises from their last sessions to keep them inspired. They will basically do whatever they can to please their dom.
Subs may also be punished. In accordance to whatever contract the parties have in place, the punishment must be suitable to the crime. Therefore, if a sub brings her dom dinner 15 minutes late, giving her a rough paddling may be inappropriate. A nice spanking may be enough to do the trick.
The timing of a punishment is also very important. Sometimes punishments are delayed as a way to give the sub and dom something to look forward to but it should never get to the point where the punishment is forgotten about or loses its impact. As a general rule it is best to make sure subs are punished by the end of the day.
The sub and dom relationship should be consensual and it should not go outside of the bedroom unless both parties agree to it. If a sub feels they are being degraded or humiliated in any other aspect of their lives, it may be best to end the relationship.
Switching
In some relationships, it is pretty clear who the sub and who the dom is and the parties may feel comfortable and confident in their roles.
In other situations, the parties might want to switch around and experiment. Switching can also refer to bringing in other swingers to have them engage in BDSM play.
What is Sadism and Masochism?
Sadomasochism takes the dom and sub relationship to the next level with the inclusion of pain and humiliation. In this relationship, the sadist is the one inflicting the pain and humiliation while the masochist is the one receiving.
As with the dom and sub relationship, everything that is done in S&M should be consensual and partners should go out of their way to make sure neither party is seriously injured.
There are many types of sadomasochism ranging from tickling to spankings, whippings and more. Here are some common activities a sadomasochistic couple might engage in during a session.
- Biting: During S&M a dom might bite sub who misbehaves.
- Bondage: Bondage is used to restrain the sub to make them vulnerable to torture.
- Clothespins and Clamps: These are often applied to the nipples in S&M play.
- Cutting: Although this is pleasurable for some, cutting can get dangerous and some sort of antiseptic should always be close by.
- Electric Shocks: This is another potentially dangerous activity that should only be performed if both parties know what they’re doing.
- Face Slapping: Face slapping is often used as a form of punishment to inflict pain and humiliation.
- Gags: This type of sensory deprivation is common in S&M sex.
- Genital Binding: Genital binding is exquisitely painful for some and it gives a dom the ultimate in control when it comes to their sub’s sexual activities.
- Handcuffs: One of the most basic forms of bondage…make sure not to lose the key!
- Masks and Blindfolds: This is another type of sensory deprivation that leaves a sub vulnerable.
- Piercing: Piercing is a great way for a dom to mark his territory. It should only be done if both parties know what they are doing and antibiotics should be nearby.
- Spanking: Done with the hand, spanking gives a dom the ultimate in control as well as adding a personal touch.
- Verbal Humiliation: Sticks and stones, am I right?
- Whipping and Flagellation: Whips can do a lot of damage and break the skin. Start off slowly when using a whip to find out how much your partner can take.
Impact Play
Impact play is a part of sex BDSM that involves spanking and slapping as well as other tools that are used to inflect pain. It can be used to punish a sub or for enjoyment during the sexual act. It also works to bring the blood to the skin intensifying any sort of stimulation applied afterwards.
As with any sort of potentially harmful act performed during BDSM style sex, partners should start off slowly to determine how much they can take and up the intensity from there.
When engaging in impact play, pacing is everything. You want to begin your session with softer impact play and build up from there allowing things to get more intense over time. This way, neither partner will get bored.
Here are some common types of impact play:
- Spanking: In impact play, spanking can be done with the hand but doms may also choose to use a belt, spoon, paddle or hair brush.
- Flogging: You can use different types of floggers on different parts of your partner’s body to produce various sensations. Floggers are available in suede, leather, silicone, paracord and rubber.
- Whipping: Whipping is usually done with a bull whip but other types of whips can be used including a dragon whip, stock whip, quirt of snake whip. Experiment to find the one that is right for you.
- Caning: This is a long, cylindrical rod used to inflict pain and increase excitement. Canes can be any length and they are available in materials like bamboo, wood and plastic.
- Slapping and Punching: While slapping is often done to the face, when punching, it is important to stay away from the facial area. It is a good idea to become familiar with the body parts that are safest to punch to avoid doing serious harm.
How Can I Get Started in the World of BDSM Sex?
If find BDSM sexy and are curious about integrating it into your sex life, you can start by going to a munch.
A munch is a casual meeting where people who are interested in BDSM can meet with lifestylers to find out more about what’s involved and determine whether or not this is something they would like to explore further.
It is also a good idea to do a fair amount of research to learn what’s involved in BDSM and become familiar with the various tools and methods that are used to make sure the sex you are involved in is safe. There are many online resources and books that are available that have valuable information on the subject.
BDSM can open new worlds for many people making their sex lives more exciting. However, it is important that all actions are safe and consensual.
Hopefully this article has provided you with some valuable information on BDSM. Now what do you think? Will you be moving forward with the exploration of your darker side?
