How Do I Get Into BDSM? A Guide for Beginners, Because the Most Important Thing You Do Is Probably Not What You Think
If you have ever considered getting into BDSM, now may be as good a time as any to take the plunge. However, if you think that getting into BDSM involves showing up at a dungeon and trying to partake in the activities, you may be in for a nasty shock.
BDSM is a pretty heavy sexual activity. All parties should be fully aware of what they are doing and must give their full consent to whatever is going on. And even then, things can get out of hand.
But not to worry, this article will provide you with all the information you need regarding how to get into BDSM. Read on to find out what you need to know.
Research, Research, Research
That’s right, you may picture your first BDSM experience as one that involves a lot of leather, whips and chains. But the truth is, if you are new to BDSM, your early experiences will involve a lot of reading.
You might be spending hours on the computer or you may be buying the many books written about the subject or taking them out at the library, but you will want to start by doing plenty of reading on the BDSM lifestyle.
While reading, you will learn about all the different types of BDSM and what’s involved. You will learn about the tools you should use, the outfits you should wear and most of all, how to stay safe while exploring BDSM.
Once you have read all you think you can read, if you still feel like continuing on your journey of learning BDSM, the next step will be attending a munch.
What’s a Munch?
A munch is short for burger munch. It’s a gathering of BDSM lifestylers and newbies. During a munch, the newbies can ask any questions that will help them to learn BDSM.
Those who attend a munch are not required to wear any sort of bondage gear. Some lifestylers may use them as times when they can be seen with their partners and some may wear discreet colors, but for the most part, munches are low key events.
Munches are usually held at a casual bar or restaurant and they may change locations for each meeting. They don’t want to be found out and risk having the location not want to host them again.
A munch is a great way to find out how to start BDSM, but it is also a good way to make connections. Many BDSM parties will not let you attend unless you have references. The people that you meet at a munch can serve as references so you can attend BDSM parties and find out more about BDSM life.
Are You Ready for Your First Party?
If the munch left you wanting more, you are probably ready to attend your first BDSM party. These are good because you don’t have to participate if you don’t want to. You can use them as an opportunity to observe and learn.
There are two types of parties, public and private. A public party may be advertised in a BDSM publication while a private party may be invite only. Both come with their share of upsides and downsides.
In general, with a private party, you can be sure that the host invited people they feel have the experience and maturity to treat others with respect. Of course, you also have to be special enough to get on the guest list. Not to worry though, invites will come in time.
With a public party, you may not know what to expect but hopefully everyone will act with maturity and take safety precautions when necessary.
A party is a good way to talk to others to learn even more about how to BDSM. You may also meet potential partners. You don’t have to participate if you don’t want to. Either way, you will be able to witness first hand what the lifestyle is like.
If you are attending your first party, here are a few things you will want to keep in mind:
- Dress the Part: A dress code may be enforced. If you have any questions about the dress code, you can always ask the host. If there is no dress code, you can wear whatever you want but it’s a good idea to wear something that lets the other guests know you are into the lifestyle while still expressing your personality.
- Bring Your Own Toys: Some toys may be provided but most parties are BYOT.
- Get Friendly: One of the main purposes of being at a BDSM party is to meet people so don’t be shy. Say hello!
Starting Your First BDSM Relationship
Now that you have had your first real interaction with the BDSM scene, you are probably ready to take it into the bedroom. Even though you may have met someone at a party or munch you would like to partner with, it is a good idea to have your first BDSM experience with someone you know and trust, preferably your significant other.
But no matter who you are with for your first BDSM sexy experience, there are certain things you must keep in mind.
Consent: Consent is a huge part of BDSM. Before engaging in any sort of BDSM play, it’s important to talk to your partner to figure out what each of you are and are not willing to do. When both partners are doing things they feel comfortable with, the experience will be more enjoyable.
Safe words are also very important. These are used when something is going on that is causing either partner unwanted pain or discomfort. When a safe word is uttered, that action should be stopped immediately.
Have Fun: Your first BDSM experience may feel a little awkward or embarrassing but don’t let this get in the way of having fun. Do your best to focus on the pleasure and shut everything else out.
Determine Your Role: In BDSM play, there will usually be a dom (dominant player) and a sub (submissive player). Sometimes each partner will stick to the role they feel more comfortable in and best suits their personality.
Other couples may switch off from session to session or even within a session, as in, I’ll tie you up, you tie me up.
Whatever the scenario may be, it is a good idea to decide how things are going to play out in advance and to use communication if there are any surprises.
Know Your Boundaries: You may want to use BDSM to spice things up in the bedroom or you may want to fully engage it in your sexual activities. Either way is okay, as long as you know your boundaries.
In general, it’s always better to start off slow and then work with your partner to increase the level of danger as you go…if you’re interested in experimenting. After a while, you will get more familiar with what you do and don’t want to do.
Be Honest: It may be tempting to make yourself appear kinkier than you are and tell your partner that you are into things you may not be into or you just might not know very much about. However, honesty is always the best policy.
If you are dishonest about what you are and aren’t willing to do, you can end up in a situation you’re not comfortable with. You may even end up scared and in pain. In it always better to be straightforward from the beginning.
You should also disclose any health concerns, emotional triggers and turn-offs to your partner to make sure your experience is as enjoyable as possible.
Make a Contract
When you get a little more experienced in the field of BDSM, you may want to start working on a BDSM checklist or prepare a contract before engaging in play. This is a document that makes it very clear what each partner is or is not willing to do.
To create your contract, it’s a good idea to start by consulting a BDSM guide. This guide will serve as a comprehensive list of all the things you might and might not want to do…including a few you probably haven’t even heard of.
Then decide what things on the list you are open to doing, what you absolutely are not open to doing and what you might want to experiment with a bit more. Mark each item with yes, no or maybe accordingly.
You can even take it a step further by marking items to determine how badly you want to include each in your bedroom routine. You can mark these with a W for want and an N for need.
A contract should be presented to your partner before engaging in BDSM play. The review and signing of the contract doesn’t have to proceed a session directly, but it can be filled out at any time prior to play.
The contract might seem very unsexy, but it is a great way to determine what both of you want to make sure the session goes well.
You might even want to include a section at the bottom of your contract for comments. Your partner can use this section to tell you what they did and didn’t like after the session is over. You can use these comments to develop your contract and make future sessions even more enjoyable.
Aftercare
Aftercare is another important part of BDSM. Unlike other types of sex, BDSM should not be wham bam thank you ma’am. The couples have just gone through an intense experience together and it is important for them to talk about that experience and use this as a way to return to reality.
Aftercare is a great time to talk about what you did and didn’t like about the session and how you might have felt while certain activities were happening. During this time, couples may also bond by cuddling, sleeping together or engaging in any other activities that will help them return to the real world.
Are You Ready to Take it to the Next Level?
If you enjoyed your first BDSM experience and are ready for more, here are some things you may want to try.
Bondage: The B in BDSM stands for bondage so it’s likely you may have integrated bondage into your first BDSM session, but now it’s time to take it to the next level.
Light restraints, handcuffs and silk ties are all well and good but now you may want to take it to the next level.
Ropes may be introduced. You can also bind subs by their hair to hold their head in any position you’d like. Or tie them with a harness rope so you can constantly stimulate their breasts and genitals.
A bondage guide can be used to help you find out more about what types of restraints can be applied.
Orgasm Denial: Orgasm denial can be incredibly sexy in any type of sex but it is especially effective in a dom and sub relationship.
Orgasm denial involves one partner bringing the other to the brink but not letting them cum. When they do cum, the orgasm can be more explosive than ever.
Cock cages are great to use on a male sub. They keep men from getting fully erect or using their hands to get themselves off. This complete surrender of control can be a turn on for both parties.
Chastity belts can be used on women yielding similar results.
Swings: Swings are a type of bondage device. There are different types of the swings and the way you use them will vary, but for the most part, a sub is strapped in by the hands and feet. Because the sub is bound loosely and swings in the air, a dom can manipulate them into various sexual positions for the utmost in pleasure.
Introduce Pain: When you were just starting to figure out how to do BDSM, it’s likely you experimented with a little bit of spanking, but now that you are a little more advanced, it may be time to break out the big guns. Here are some things you might want to experiment with.
- Clit clips: These squeeze the clitoris to provide a slightly painful yet exquisitely pleasurable sensation.
- Flogger: These can be used gently to provide a tickling sensation or can be applied for painful whip-like spanks.
- Canes: Canes tend to produce a lot of pain so determine your threshold before experimenting. They are recommended for more advanced players; proceed with caution!
- Candle Wax: Candle wax can be melted over the body to provide sensations of pain. To avoid doing too much damage to the skin, use a massage candle or another type of candle meant to melt on the body. These candles will melt at low temperatures and will not be as likely to cause injury.
- Improvise: Toys can be exciting but they can also be very expensive. If you are still in the experimental stage, save your money by using toys you find around the home. Cooking utensils like spoons and spatulas can be very effective. Then you can determine if you want to graduate on to invest in toys.
- Use Your Body: Another money saving option is to rely on body parts. Use hands to spank and pull hair and teeth to bite. Then decide if you want to move on to the next stage.
Remember, BDSM isn’t about going hard and fast. It’s about going slowly to build up excitement and intensity until your partner can’t stand it anymore. It is important to remember this as you advance in you BDSM play.
Becoming a Lifestyler
After experimenting with BDSM, you may decide you want to make it an occasional practice in your bedroom activities, or you may decide you want to make it a big part of your life.
Those that integrate BDSM into a good part of their sexual, and even non-sexual activities, are called lifestylers.
Lifestylers can be full time and part time. A part time lifestyler will attend parties and use BDSM often in their sexual practices.
With a full timer, the sky is the limit. They may have a dom and sub relationship with their significant other that plays out 24-7. The sub may wear the dom’s collar as a sign of ownership and devotion. The dom may treat the sub like a personal and sexual slave.
Just remember that no matter how far you take your BDSM, it’s always about consent. If you feel you are being disrespected in a way that isn’t okay with you, it may be time to end the relationship.
Hopefully this article has provided you with some valuable information regarding BDSM sex, but you should still feel encouraged to do your own research and go slowly with personal experiences to determine if and how you want to integrate it into your life. If it’s a turn on, you might want to say BDSM go so you can start living the dream!
